My mind is running again, someone catch it

My nightly run of the mill thought for the night. Is why have I remained in my present state of mind for so long. Let me elaborate let’s all remember those near balding guys wearing their letter jackets to a high school keg. When they’ve obviously graduated years past. That look of pity in their eye being taken over by the beer in their cup. Have I allowed myself to become that person? I sit here now searching for that last great party, that dizzy warm feeling, but why? Was it the liquor (and how much and how well I could drink it), the drugs or was it something more. Was it being surrounded by people who held the same thoughts, emotions, same ideals that I did. Well you can ask where are those friends now? Well for the most part they’ve grown up, or gotten worse. Instead of throwing a keg, and shooting the shit. They want to play drunken bumper cars with other peoples cars. Or other people with severe drug addictions, where you feel like your going to jail just be entering the room. But lets not get side tracked. So if I seek out people with my ideals, thoughts and emotions I become that balding man sitting at a party two year too late to be able to connect with anyone really, So a basic question, why didn’t I grow up? I’d like to come up with a simple answer here. But I’ve picked my brains for months and nothing comes to mind. I went from a very small child with big dreams of doing everything. To a teenager with a firm grasp on her future. To an early 2o something with no plans, no hope, no future. What the hell happened? Should I have stayed in school, of course. But no one will understand how difficult that was to do at the time. Yet another burden added to my back. One of the should’ve, could’ve, would’ve. I’ve been saying lately. So it stems from there one goal crushed and like a house of cards the whole things tumbles. But instead of picking up the fucking cards and trying to build a modest ranch style future. I just stare at the cards, arranging them in little piles. I’ve stalled out. I don’t know if I just gave up, or if I just like to feel like a loser all the time. Tough call. So lets start from the problem what would it take to say get my life back on track get a high school diploma/ged, go to college for my associates in Culinary Arts. Well the first word that pops into my mind money, lack therefore of. Of just get a job, jobs just fall out of the sky. My ass! Then when I get a job I’m usually too tired to function after work. Especially if it’s 40 hours a week job, oh but my luck it’s a 10 hour a week job. So I have no money to go to school. Let alone try to keep up with my bills. So how do I move my mind set along? I’m not quite sure. Which is another feeling that has been talking over my life lately. Being completely and totally unsure of every step, decision, or though that I have. I feel like I’m on schrooms not quite sure tat the stoves is moving toward me, sure I need to stop it, but not sure what I need to do to stop it. Now apply that feeling to every aspect of my life. I’m getting a headache just thinking about it. What happened to determination, hard work, what happened to me? I feel like a person who was in a coma. Basically I’ve done nothing for the past 5 years, and I don’t know where to go from here……