Cause blue is my favorite color

Well depression back at it again. Don’t know what to do, few options, pretend like life is peachy, no issues, have nervous break down freak taking the dog with me. ; ) Go live with my mother marry some hick ass loser, stay home barefoot and pregnant. Blow my brains out, dissolve into nothing. I do feel like I’ve been fighting so long, fighting to find happiness, bring peace, find love and companionship, yet still here I am alone. Making me question the fertility of my efforts. I wish things were simpler, just one easy answer. I don’t know what I want to be, who I want to be, who I am. I feel like a third grader writing an essay on what I want to be when I grow up. Stumbling past the first sentence. When I try to make things simpler they get harder. I just want a road sign a blue print. Thousands of people run threw life without having a clue, but it’s the ones who caught that idea, that pisses me off! All my childhood dreams seem ridiculous, all my teenage dreams seem far fetched and I have yet to become an adult. What happened wasn’t there a time when I was mature beyond my time. Taking care of my invalid stepfather with such a hatred boiling beneath the surface. Standing by while people mourned the death of the biggest asshole I’ve ever known. Keeping my secrets. All to lead me to other men who abuse my mind, my heart, my body and my soul. Such a need to be loved, almost a physical craving. From one hopeless relationship to another. Oh there’s someone for everyone my someone was a manipulative, shady, uncommitted piece of shit, but I have never been happier. Someone who stroked my ego, my insecurities. So well to have me blind for so long. So many things I would have changed for him, so many things I did. Where’d all my strength go, did I leave it with Mahina? I don’t remember have to change so much for the boys then. If I couldn’t say what I felt she sure as hell could have. But what happened to here, she ended up with a piece of crap 14 year old. Goddess help them if they ever get married or have a kid together, because eventually she’ll be killing him.

My perfect man
Religion:
Pagan, atheist, undecided lots of leeway for religious freedom!!

Intelligence:
Average to above average

Job:
well a brain surgeon would be nice, but if he’s happy being the assistant manager at Walgreen as long as he comes home happy from a satisfying job, then fucking gravy for me.

Non smoke
Social drinker

Special Skills and or Qualities:
Ability to make me laugh
Being adventuress like lets take a road trip right now, let’s go anywhere, not let’s not pay the bills and see how log it takes before were evicted.

Able to have knowledge in things I’m increased in arcana arts, computers, arts, and animals.

Have a strong love for all animals.

Someone that like to do things dance, read, hike, travel, watch movies.

Someone who is secure with themselves. Not pushing their crap on me, I have enough of my own.

Someone who isn’t a cheat isn’t a liar, a thief, a whore, a slob, a pig, or a loser. Abusive men need not apply.

Someone who can see my inner and outer beauty.

Someone with the strength and determination to love me as I am, flawed fractured and sometimes chipped.

Someone who has the patience to wait for me to bloom in he beautiful flower I could be.

Someone able to take care of me, but not smother or baby me.

Someone able to take an odd sense of humor.

Someone able to weather out the mood swings.

Someone who can see all the good things about me, and help point them out to me, while helping to correct the negative things, not punish them.

Someone who can keep me on my toes.

Someone into romance, candle light dinners, walks by the pond, cards, flowers, hugs, surprise dinners, surprise presents.

Someone who would be proud to have me on their arm.

To be with someone who is my confident, my friend, my family, and my lover.

Someone who doesn’t complete me totally, but makes my life so much more complete.

Someone with the ability to make me happy. This is usually an ever changing problem. From getting me lunch as a surprise, to rubbing my back for no reason, to holding my hand when I’m scared and telling me there’s nothing to fear, even if that’s unknown.

Someone I can tell my biggest secrets, my deepest fears, craziest stores without fear of ridicule, hat4red, anything.

I might as well add able to leap all buildings in a single bound, faster than a locomotive. Because that’s about how realistic my perfect man would be. Didn’t even get into the physical traits. Ho humm……….

Lately I’ve been feeling so trapped within my own body, little voices, little feelings trying to escape but so cloudy with anger, fear, and sadness they get stuck,, and there job never gets completed. I feel so torn between 7 different people. I’m angry for not being the person I want to be, but I’m so confused on who I should be. So used to being everything to everyone else but I don’t know how to be someone to myself. I use to have good qualities, skills, but now I’ve withered down to:

Wallowing in self pity
Teasing/fucking
Being angry
Creating dram
Being a loser
And drinking like a serial killer

Wow who needs a real job when I can live off those traits forever? People think I’m stupid like I don’t catch everything like I don’t figure things out. But being the smart one never did anything but get me into trouble! Drowning in the deep blue sea. Don’t need a life jacket I need a fucking cruise ship. Ding Ding next thought………..
Children. I hate most children I can only think of a few children I have ever adored. I didn’t like children when I was a child. I id completely fall in love with Shadrick, he was a well behaved toddler, even going through rough times he craved my love, after only knowing me for a short time. He touched a spot inside me that had been dead for year, surprising myself totally. A guy with a kid I must be out of my mind. So deep, deep inside there is a mothering gene. But having my own children. First off I want to be finically, emotionally, and physically able to have one before I every try. I don’t want them to be raised by strangers only seeing me twice a week like my mother. On some deep dark level the thought of having a child belly blessings, wiccaning, dream sachets, reading about Yule. Brings out a foreign giddiness, I never expected to have. But that’s neither here or there. I do want to have a child that’s able to make up their mind on their religion but a powerful little witch they would be. Something I could be proud of.