Pondering..

I’ve done a bit of pondering lately. I have been enjoying myself I’m in the phase where I don’t need to look for a man. I’m content with what I have which leaves my personality to be more real quirky, silly, etc. which some guys seem to like. Then as time goes by and I feel not so happy about y long distance relationship like someone not calling me mildly frequently, or pushing me to stay here longer, and get with my old friends so I form bonds not wanting to leave. But let’s break down my issues with long distance relationships. I think there all fake. Bull shit. It’s just a reason for two people to be happy apart getting on with their lives but to have someone to fall back on. I don’t know it can also be a way to hold someone back. I don’t get the constant needy me attention I crave. I take any slight sign, miss wording, as them losing interest make me extremely paranoid. Then I’m depressed. Next thing I know I’m looking for a new man. So what do I have to do to break this chain, oh believe in the energy of what I feel and what he says feels. Ok so don’t freak behave, stay away from Iowa falls, butler, Chris, Carl. If their not the boys I love it’s their drugs. Ok so best case scenario I get my divorce and high school diploma, and Dion still have room in his heart and in his home for me. Worst case scenario he dumps me and I lose everything I own and a bit of faith in myself, and men. So much to lose and in theory so much to gain. The feeling that I can survive without direct contact of a man. That I can be self sufficient and be happy on my own. I find it unbelievable that after all these years things I never wanted to see in my self, I see most things so clearly now. I see so many issues, faults, everything, but I feel powerless against them. What will it take what missing piece will make me strong again, a friendship, family, religion, relationships. Is it solely upon me, to free myself from these burdens? Do I need to dig deeper in myself by admitting my issues have I not gone far enough. Do I need to be reprogrammed from the ground up? Where do I get my fears, I honestly have not trusted one boyfriend ever. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for them to screw me over. I’m I drawn to pigs, knowing there easy catches or something. I find it hilarious that most boy toys within weeks get these great strong feelings for me saying I love you mad quick. But within months the lust wears off and again I’m alone. I’m I too needy, does that push them away. Isn’t there a ton a woman out there that are in great relationships and their needy too. I’ve dated needy guys before Adam, and Steffen but I don’t feel like I could have given them everything they needed. How to find someone who isn’t turned out by my quirks. Where should I draw the line between personality flaws, and psycho tendencies? A lot of things I’ve written off as being just me, anger, depression, nervousness. But I have calmed down my angry outbursts to less than one a month. I like feeling in control of my emotions, but truly that’s not what is. It’s me smothering my emotions letting them build then watch out one false word one wrong action explosion. So obviously I’m on the wrong track with my emotions. I just need to reevaluate my basic needs, become myself not so and so’s girl friend. Well how in the hell do I do this? Finding something that makes me proud/happy. What are those magical things? I could say I feel proud or confident when I pass those stupid world history tests. But that doesn’t mean I’ll pass college courses. I have some deep seated fear of failing. I don’t like taking risks. I took the risk of not marrying Ben, that was the wrong decision, and then there was moving to NC another huge mistake, now leaving my husband and 95% of everything I own sitting in Dions house, another mistake, time will tell on this one.