Depressed Today

Well I don’t know what to say paranoia has set in. Every time I don’t here from Dion in a day or two my mind starts jumping to conclusions about his commitment level, his fidelity. How do I deal with the demons in my head and in my heart? I feel like I’m being a “good girl” I saw Brandon the It boy, the love of my life guy, the man who could at any moment in time snatch me away from anyone. But I don’t want to be snatched away. I want to have a good relationship and grow with someone. I feel like this is a time period in my life when I shouldn’t be looking for a husband, but someone I’m going to spend the next 6 years with. I want my longest consecutive relationship to be longer than a year and a half. I’ve dated over 20 people so far, and I can’t stand to be with someone or they can’t stand to be with me for over a year. I mean how scary that is. I understand that to be in a good relationship you have to yourself be in a good state of mind, having a truck full of emotional scars/baggage, isn’t cutting it. I’m so torn better everything I want to be cared for but not smothered, I want to be love and adored. But I don’t want someone to lie to me making me always right, just to suck up to me. I want everything. But it’s not like there’s a magic formula to get everything. I needy but I’m can be unemotionally attached. I beautiful, with an ugly soul. Maybe that’s what I see in the mirror. I’ve always had a knack for seeing the truth, but I never listened to it, I don’t know if that makes me a fool, or what. I know they’re cheaters and losers, but then they become my pet projects. I can help them I can change them. Derek, his drug problem, Adam his lying problem, Justin his self esteem problem, Brandon his fidelity problem. I always thought if I could be everything to them they could change and be everything to me. But how many let downs was that.