Preggers

So yea I’m in a odd mood sorta speak. I’m just found out basically that I’m pregnant, and I guess people will expect me to be happy. But honestly most things that come up in my life rarely make me happy, only more stressed, and freaked out.

I cant be a mother, I’m in the same loser state I was in when I was in highschool. The only thing that’s changed is I have no stable home, and mountains of bills/debt.

As well as my tits and stomach have gotten bigger. The tits deal I can handle that but those have yet to acutely benefit the above mentioned situations. Stomach yes that’s what I need to have even lower self esteem, or personal view of myself.

So here I am sitting here thinking about all the HORRIBLE things that go along with pregnancy:

Stretch marks

Fat body, thighs, face, ankles and so forth

Hemorrhoids

My pussy deforming into an unnatural size

Not being able to see my feet

I like my clothes the size they are

Then childbirth oh yea a basket full of kittens there

Ok breastfeeding

Post partum depression (yep yep I’m sure ill be having that)

Then diapers

Vomit

Feeding

Diapers

Potting training

College funds

Yes I can go threw the next 18 years of my life….

So I’m scared and sad, and don’t know what to say.

What if its retarded, what if I’m a bad mother. What if I drop the baby on its head like me.

What if it has depression like me, and cant spell, and has math homework….

I’m just sad……….

Anyways….

Pondering like rain drops. My heads off in a tale spin of what if, and stressful situations. I need some diazepam, naw that wouldn’t be good. Already have a 50/50 chance my kids going to be retarded. Just scared………..

I can sit here and list (again) scary things, but I just will dwell 10 times longer on the subject.

Being happy must be a mental function my brain didn’t come with. I have sad really sad, not so sad, pisted off, scared, stresses, and well it could be worse… happy hmmm… nope nope I know what it’s suppose to look like and can fake it for about three minutes. But feel it, that’s another story.

Which has nothing to do with the people around me, just the voices inside my head, who are far more convincing, and understanding then anyone else.

Just worried, that I’ll be the same loser I always make fun of. Being stuck in this posthighschool lifestyle has got to go. Failing everything I do use to be cute and story worthy, now just sad and embarrassing.

I remember wanting to “grow up” and be someone, and yet I’ve failed to do anything, and the worse part of it all I cant blame drugs, this downward spiral came long before drugs did, drugs just make me realize how hard I’ve fallen. Yet ease the pain on the way down..

So yea this is me, sad, and stresses, worried, and confused. Sounds like a normal day in my life..