Dream a little dream of me

So define Rage:

fury: a feeling of intense anger; "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"; "his face turned red with rage"

What it means to me, an intense wave of heat, anger, sweat, and tears. An uncontrollable force that holds such a strong grip on my mind that the only way to break its power is to lash out. Which lashing out can be on anything surrounding me, a pet, a loved one, an inanimate object, and even myself.

Why do I feel rage?

Its almost so quick and unforeseeable, I have a small window of time, when I feel anger rising and the heat of rage taking over, very narrow window.

What starts the wave of rage?

Well over the years there have been a few triggers, inability to get things my way, not being able to control myself, in ways I’d like to. Something like my hair not cooperating or clothing looking stupid, weight issues, and a few other body image problems.

In those instances I was mad, and upset, and then BAM rage rage rage, sweat, tears, yelling, breaking things, throwing glass, scissors, brushes, clothes, out the window, at the door, wherever convenient.

After the blow up I immediately calm down, no more energy to fight, basically not even angry anymore. If I broke something and have to fix it or patch another hole, I feel remorse and sadness for letting my anger get out of control.

So rage how to control it??

I don’t know how to! I can go weeks, months without freaking out, but then it’s like a string of words, can set me off, and BAM basaltic Mandy.

From an outsiders view I do seem crazy as a fucking loon.

Am I angry Quiz:

http://www.careerjournal.com/sidebars/20040422-raudsepp-quiz-sb.html

Results:

Your score is 103 out of 137.

:-@

You're probably aware that you anger easily. If your score is well above 97, anger probably forms a large part of your daily life and argumentative patterns are the norm.

Your high irritability makes you ready to explode at the slightest provocation. Even relatively minor frustrations cause you to become annoyed and irritated. And there are times when you sense that your feelings are nearly out of control.

In addition to your ready anger, you tend to distrust and be wary of others. You also are constantly on guard against slights or criticism. These factors make your daily life and working relationships difficult and unpleasant. Because of your outbursts and general grouchiness, you often seem threatening and hostile to others.

You need to resolve your problems and work on your conflicts and temper, or they'll seriously harm your career and your life.

Yep yep that sounds like me.

I can sit the night away reliving old arguments and become upset and figure out what I should have said differently. Weird arguments from middle school, to yesterday. Doesn’t matter content. I just sit there and dwell, and dwell. When I’m left alone to my own thoughts. (Which is a state I prefer, I’d rather be alone and be sad that I’m alone then surround by people and be unable to think and recall.)

So I get angry and say things and do things I don’t mean. Honestly don’t we ALL say things we later regret?

It’s always a battle to who can remember what more acutely, well u said this, oh and then u did this, etc. But the final outcome it no different than before.

So you have the ability to set me off. Why because I love you s endless and you proclaim so much love in return, yet your mouth says otherwise. Fine, dandy you’re a self proclaimed asshole, you always treat people this way. Would it be far fetched to hope that if I’m so special, that you would treat me differently, that you would not want to say asshole comments? I guess that is a logical leap in my mind and not in everyone else’s. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever had to deal with anyone else saying the most fucked up things you’ve said to me. It doesn’t matter if I ignore it once, because you’ll push again, and again. Then I can sit down and tell you I don’t appreciate the comments, and yet again, you mock me telling you what I feel. Till that point where I have no control over myself, and I snap, and when you snap, the world ends, no more talking, you don’t care if you upset me, nothing matters. But when i snap the world ends and you need to dig and poke to uncover the “secret” truth. The secret is you said something rude probably three or four times, gave me a dirty look like you were mad and me and bam that’s usually what it takes.

As well as if were fighting it has this nice pattern. You “jokingly” say something rude, or crude, I ask you to stop, but you think I’m having fun (cause I’m giving you a please stop it look, yes that what’s I would assume) then you either hit me, tell me to shut up, or act like your pisted, if I try to talk to you, you don’t want to talk just ignore me, because that will solve the problem. So I in turn get very angry and either become irate, or i sit there and do the poking trying to get you to open up and say anything useful.

Then you finally give up, and sit there in silence while I beg for answers, to no avail. Then when you finally decide to calm down you need to “make things right” by further irritating me, and pretending like things are just peachy. You become the needy one who needs kisses, and needs to be touched and held. Even if I am still upset my feelings yet again mean nothing. I only assume that you think once you’ve calmed down you think you can fix things and make me feel better, by making me kiss you. I guess it’s only in my nature not to want to kiss or hug someone when I want to strangle them. I guess that’s why I never have make up sex.

So if I refuse you become irate and we start the fight over. If I submit to your demands, you feel better the day goes one, and I sit there feeling nauseas, with a headache that wont quit reliving the argument, for hours. But as long as you feel better I guess that’s what matters.

Because validating my feelings would kill you, instead just defend to the death every action you take and every word you utter.

Because that’s not what you meant, and you didn’t mean to. How often can you feel “remorse” for doing something before you realize there is no remorse because you wouldn’t continue to do it, over and over again.

Example “So say you believe that I need to exercise and the proper way to motivate me is to poke fun at a largely sensitive subject like my weight, instead giving me reasons way I should exercise, list the benefits anything positive to get me to exercise, instead you take the cheap way, and use something hurtful.”

You can’t control the ones you love by bullying and tearing them down so they do what you want them to.

And don’t sit there with your thumb up your ass crying out how you can say a hundred nice things and I’d only remember the one fucked u thing. (Id like to point out here way does there have to be a fucked up thing) But I do remember the nice things that you say, but it’s hard to share those complements to you, when before I can get anything out were fighting over something else stupid.

Like I really liked how you said you were proud of me for skating to the bread store. I myself don’t feel like I’ve make any progress, and still feel very poorly about my inability to do normal things, that everyone can do.

But no matter how rude, crude, and fucked up you are, it’s always in good fun, and you would never purposely hurt me feelings, and even if my feelings magically get hurt in the process, is must just be me just being a hormonal pussy.

Preggers

So yea I’m in a odd mood sorta speak. I’m just found out basically that I’m pregnant, and I guess people will expect me to be happy. But honestly most things that come up in my life rarely make me happy, only more stressed, and freaked out.

I cant be a mother, I’m in the same loser state I was in when I was in highschool. The only thing that’s changed is I have no stable home, and mountains of bills/debt.

As well as my tits and stomach have gotten bigger. The tits deal I can handle that but those have yet to acutely benefit the above mentioned situations. Stomach yes that’s what I need to have even lower self esteem, or personal view of myself.

So here I am sitting here thinking about all the HORRIBLE things that go along with pregnancy:

Stretch marks

Fat body, thighs, face, ankles and so forth

Hemorrhoids

My pussy deforming into an unnatural size

Not being able to see my feet

I like my clothes the size they are

Then childbirth oh yea a basket full of kittens there

Ok breastfeeding

Post partum depression (yep yep I’m sure ill be having that)

Then diapers

Vomit

Feeding

Diapers

Potting training

College funds

Yes I can go threw the next 18 years of my life….

So I’m scared and sad, and don’t know what to say.

What if its retarded, what if I’m a bad mother. What if I drop the baby on its head like me.

What if it has depression like me, and cant spell, and has math homework….

I’m just sad……….

Anyways….

Pondering like rain drops. My heads off in a tale spin of what if, and stressful situations. I need some diazepam, naw that wouldn’t be good. Already have a 50/50 chance my kids going to be retarded. Just scared………..

I can sit here and list (again) scary things, but I just will dwell 10 times longer on the subject.

Being happy must be a mental function my brain didn’t come with. I have sad really sad, not so sad, pisted off, scared, stresses, and well it could be worse… happy hmmm… nope nope I know what it’s suppose to look like and can fake it for about three minutes. But feel it, that’s another story.

Which has nothing to do with the people around me, just the voices inside my head, who are far more convincing, and understanding then anyone else.

Just worried, that I’ll be the same loser I always make fun of. Being stuck in this posthighschool lifestyle has got to go. Failing everything I do use to be cute and story worthy, now just sad and embarrassing.

I remember wanting to “grow up” and be someone, and yet I’ve failed to do anything, and the worse part of it all I cant blame drugs, this downward spiral came long before drugs did, drugs just make me realize how hard I’ve fallen. Yet ease the pain on the way down..

So yea this is me, sad, and stresses, worried, and confused. Sounds like a normal day in my life..

Today is just a day

So its been a weird couple of days I guess. First off work has been blowing Michelle and I haven’t been getting along very well. So I’ve been off the last 7 days. Then I get this interesting phone call from the humane society cause someone narked me out for keeping the pets in the blazer, at which they took them out of the car. Which cost me 80 bucks just to gets the dogs back. I ended up ditching the cats. Hopefully they’ll find better homes. But since cats are so hard to place, cause there’s always too many of them. So another pet bites the dust. Racking up quite a collection, I should have my own special unloading door.

So yeah then there might be a chance that I’m pregnant, which I guess isn’t a totally bad thing. Just a little sucky right now. But maybe things will work out better this time around. I guess I can only hope. At least this relationship would have a more interesting outcome to say the least.

thoughts of the day

So today I cut myself apparently I cut myself deep. But that’s not the point of this story apparently I broke the glass out of the door, which is easily fixable, at least in my mind.

I hurt, I bleed honestly is it a relive, hard judge on that one, I wanna say yeah when u cut urself u release endorphins. But do I feel better, not really. I feel bad for breakin the window I feel bad for beng drunk and uncontrollable, wait wait and yet do I need to say how u make me feel when u tease me and whats my favorite whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore whore…

Like I said 90% of jokes are based on truth I get called out cause u fucked what 14 chicks I and fucked 16 guys, whoppee dee doo. Sorry for not waiting for u all my life, what cause why for 8 yrs u didn’t think of, or care about me, so now I’m the fucked up one, whatever.

Bens being a little whore, trying to start shit and piss me off, whatever he knows and all his boys know (which pisses him off more) that he will never get anything better than me, and that’s just plain sad.

I just wanna cry and yet I did and it meant nothing I hardly ever cry anymore and when I do it means nothing. So live, learn, and repeat, tears don’t show emotion just weakness. I have enough weaknesses, so enough tears.

Makes sense to me.

And whats up with jutt he was my boy, my wingman, my savior and yet his trying to fuck me over, and get me in trouble, what a dick. I now he’s sucker by the wifey but come on. what bullshit, I would never never fuck Melissa if she was the last chick in earth ever. He knows that we’ve already had that conversation. What a flamer…..

So I weighed in tody at 120 and I feel very very overweight. Think think think, I need to lose like 20 pounds pounds pounds, cause I’m fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat

Yep and I’m FAT!

Boys Boys Boys

Oh my gosh it amazing how I can finally let some feelings go and them bam I get pisted off all together again. Let’s see john well yeah he pisted me off he was all flirty and over me when he was drunk but then the next day he’s sober and forgets who I am. Then saying something about I was in his bed or whizzed in his bed where did he get that from? Interesting question. Then he was bitching about how I talk about Ben all the time, yeah and I talk about dion and butler, and Justin and Jose, and lord, and king and all the people I hung out with. Just a bit of jealously rearing its ugly little head. Then dion I just want to murdalize him, and he can sit there and talk to me like nothing happened like were all friends. Bullshit. Then my “dates” with Greg oh my how shitty, I think I can lower this to freshmen dates. Gross. So then were leaving my house and john pulls up and yells out don’t wind up dead or I’ll be pisted. What kind of shit it is that to say? Well bullshit, basically. I just don’t get. I am having abnormally bad guy trouble. Then Justin’s flirt ass I swear him and Mel are perfect for each other all they do is cheat on each other. Justin’s a fun fuck and that’s about all he has going for him. I mean he loves to build up my ego and say bullshit like he would leave Mel, and blah blah blah. Then he’s other bullshit about leaving his mother, and coming with me anywhere. Then Ben’s lying slow ass, no money not visiting my ass for thanksgiving. I knew it. I knew it. Grrr.. Then what another new drama Nick wowser so cute, and I bet so immature and I bet not looking for a relationship but a fun fuck, so what do I have so far?

Guys I’m surrounding by

Dion- wanna kill/change my life so he’ll love me

John- just want to annoy, small dick

Jason- annoying immature lazy fat ass roommate

Mike- quite nothing to say good or bad roommate, and I’ll put lazy for leaving his fucking shoes upstairs everyday

Nick- fine, and I bet immature 50/50 chance he’ll remember kissing me in a positive way, don’t care the size got those hip bones ; P drool, drool

Kyle- annoying ass immature kid who needs the information spoon fed to him every three seconds, pussy whopped little boy who doesn’t have an original bone in his body and I bet ten bucks small dick, who doesn’t know how to use it

Greg- rude as prick friends, fool who has a problem with leaving and not telling anybody, hairy ass ape, probably a male whore

Justin- male whore, with a baby and a babies mama, mama’s boy, who doesn’t have a drug problem anymore ; ( Needs to leave Mel for himself for once not because he has a sure thing. I.e. me

Ben- prick whose screwing me over and just being all annoying all around only good thing he’s going to Germany and I want to go.

Well here’s enough bitching for now. Besides that I basically work my ass off, I mean 40 to 80 hours a week. I never really have free time, just a day off here and there I and get trashed, at which my roommates tell me I need an intervention. Fuckers need to learn how to turn the heat down when there gone and how to shut the lights, and tv off. I mean grow the fuck up the house doesn’t clean itself. The electricity doesn’t turn itself off on most occasions. Grow up its like living with Chris and Chris and pink again. What’s up with Chris’ that are just annoying?

Been awhile

Not much going on as of late. Between working 60 hours I rarely have time to keep up with any of my studies. Got in a nice esbat ritual tonight very nice. I have been testing here and there at witch school. So that’s cool. My depression is lurking in the shadows as of late. The thought of dion brings intense pain and anger. I’m very optimistic about moving in with my friends I think it’s a change that will help put some direction in my life. Then Ben coming down for thanksgiving will be weird he’ll either hate me or love me. Sounds like my life. Then it would be another 6 months before he could move down here. More drama. I am dreading going down to dion’s I think this will be another humbling experience, a lesson in self control. Not to go psycho and stab him a thousand times. Or to steal his dog. I love max. I am so tired of the bullshit. I just want to save my money, study, and learn everything, and sleep, and right now those goals are not really being accomplished. I just need lots of money, and time. I think if I’m able to get my stuff that will further swing the pendulum in the right direction for moving my life on. Gotta build a foundation or the house will crumble.

Chain of thoughts

Weir thought came to mind tonight why have my friend population shrank considerably in the last 7 years. I think it has to do with me becoming more friends with my boyfriends friends and when the relationship ends so usually does the friendship.

My first boyfriend let’s start with Brian. I had my own circle of friends before we started dating. He’s friend kavika, Jeremy, mike, and Jon became me and mahinas friends, and when the relationship ended I keep all those friendships.

Derek he’s only friend that I really knew off was glavin I never acquired him as a friend and didn’t really care to.

Adam I think his friends Brian, Jeremy, and Justin were all my friends before we started dating and I keep most of them throughout the relationship and when we broke up.

Aaron is sorta were it starts. It was summer of my junior year I had just broke up with Adam and I want to get away from highs cool friends I started hanging out with my co-workers, and I met Aaron while crusing the loop. I hung out with his really odd friend, but when the relationship ended so did that friendship.

Justin here I was friends with Carl, Kendra, the twins, and on and on and before, during and after the first time were ok, but when I cheated on him, I lost about 90% of my friendships.

Brandon made these even worse since everyone hated him. All my Iowa falls friends turned to bitches and I was back with my own friend group, that rarely interacted with Brandon except Natalia to flirt with him and piss him off. I was then friendship with his two friends Michelle, and heath Meyer, as well as nick bowen, and his cousin tjarks. But after the relationship ended the tjarks weren’t friends with me, but health and Michelle, and nick bowen was.

Now then I dated Brian Adams, and when I cheated on him with Brandon, I lost Michelle and heath. Then back to Vegas where I promptly dumped Brian and no one cared I had my own group of friends.

Then I dated Dustin and I met up with no of his friends I met him through my friends and after we broke up I was still friends with them. But then I was living at their house and I barely had any money to party and whatnot. So I started working at blockbuster where I was friends with Joanna.

Then I dated Ben till we left. I was basically friends with only his friends, Tony, Chris, Patrick, and when we broke up they were defiantly not my friends.

Shawn I dated and met jade and that fat hussie when we broke up not my friends.

Brandon Steffen I dated him I met Richard, and the freak from Iowa falls, and stumpy his freakish girlfriend. Seamen white, fat boy his cousin, etc. We broke up not really my friends.

Ben I met mity, jose, freeze cobb, hal, etc. We broke up not my friends.

Now dion and I met amber, the pool hags, bartenders galore, Clark, gouch, and Oscar, definitely not my friends.

So I see the pattern here, I infiltrate my boyfriends life and try to become friends with all their friends if their completely not pond scum, and then we broke up and somehow I haven’t had enough quality time to in their hearts to be at least neutral about the situation they dump me as well.