Dream a little dream of me

So define Rage:

fury: a feeling of intense anger; "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned"; "his face turned red with rage"

What it means to me, an intense wave of heat, anger, sweat, and tears. An uncontrollable force that holds such a strong grip on my mind that the only way to break its power is to lash out. Which lashing out can be on anything surrounding me, a pet, a loved one, an inanimate object, and even myself.

Why do I feel rage?

Its almost so quick and unforeseeable, I have a small window of time, when I feel anger rising and the heat of rage taking over, very narrow window.

What starts the wave of rage?

Well over the years there have been a few triggers, inability to get things my way, not being able to control myself, in ways I’d like to. Something like my hair not cooperating or clothing looking stupid, weight issues, and a few other body image problems.

In those instances I was mad, and upset, and then BAM rage rage rage, sweat, tears, yelling, breaking things, throwing glass, scissors, brushes, clothes, out the window, at the door, wherever convenient.

After the blow up I immediately calm down, no more energy to fight, basically not even angry anymore. If I broke something and have to fix it or patch another hole, I feel remorse and sadness for letting my anger get out of control.

So rage how to control it??

I don’t know how to! I can go weeks, months without freaking out, but then it’s like a string of words, can set me off, and BAM basaltic Mandy.

From an outsiders view I do seem crazy as a fucking loon.

Am I angry Quiz:

http://www.careerjournal.com/sidebars/20040422-raudsepp-quiz-sb.html

Results:

Your score is 103 out of 137.

:-@

You're probably aware that you anger easily. If your score is well above 97, anger probably forms a large part of your daily life and argumentative patterns are the norm.

Your high irritability makes you ready to explode at the slightest provocation. Even relatively minor frustrations cause you to become annoyed and irritated. And there are times when you sense that your feelings are nearly out of control.

In addition to your ready anger, you tend to distrust and be wary of others. You also are constantly on guard against slights or criticism. These factors make your daily life and working relationships difficult and unpleasant. Because of your outbursts and general grouchiness, you often seem threatening and hostile to others.

You need to resolve your problems and work on your conflicts and temper, or they'll seriously harm your career and your life.

Yep yep that sounds like me.

I can sit the night away reliving old arguments and become upset and figure out what I should have said differently. Weird arguments from middle school, to yesterday. Doesn’t matter content. I just sit there and dwell, and dwell. When I’m left alone to my own thoughts. (Which is a state I prefer, I’d rather be alone and be sad that I’m alone then surround by people and be unable to think and recall.)

So I get angry and say things and do things I don’t mean. Honestly don’t we ALL say things we later regret?

It’s always a battle to who can remember what more acutely, well u said this, oh and then u did this, etc. But the final outcome it no different than before.

So you have the ability to set me off. Why because I love you s endless and you proclaim so much love in return, yet your mouth says otherwise. Fine, dandy you’re a self proclaimed asshole, you always treat people this way. Would it be far fetched to hope that if I’m so special, that you would treat me differently, that you would not want to say asshole comments? I guess that is a logical leap in my mind and not in everyone else’s. I honestly don’t think I’ve ever had to deal with anyone else saying the most fucked up things you’ve said to me. It doesn’t matter if I ignore it once, because you’ll push again, and again. Then I can sit down and tell you I don’t appreciate the comments, and yet again, you mock me telling you what I feel. Till that point where I have no control over myself, and I snap, and when you snap, the world ends, no more talking, you don’t care if you upset me, nothing matters. But when i snap the world ends and you need to dig and poke to uncover the “secret” truth. The secret is you said something rude probably three or four times, gave me a dirty look like you were mad and me and bam that’s usually what it takes.

As well as if were fighting it has this nice pattern. You “jokingly” say something rude, or crude, I ask you to stop, but you think I’m having fun (cause I’m giving you a please stop it look, yes that what’s I would assume) then you either hit me, tell me to shut up, or act like your pisted, if I try to talk to you, you don’t want to talk just ignore me, because that will solve the problem. So I in turn get very angry and either become irate, or i sit there and do the poking trying to get you to open up and say anything useful.

Then you finally give up, and sit there in silence while I beg for answers, to no avail. Then when you finally decide to calm down you need to “make things right” by further irritating me, and pretending like things are just peachy. You become the needy one who needs kisses, and needs to be touched and held. Even if I am still upset my feelings yet again mean nothing. I only assume that you think once you’ve calmed down you think you can fix things and make me feel better, by making me kiss you. I guess it’s only in my nature not to want to kiss or hug someone when I want to strangle them. I guess that’s why I never have make up sex.

So if I refuse you become irate and we start the fight over. If I submit to your demands, you feel better the day goes one, and I sit there feeling nauseas, with a headache that wont quit reliving the argument, for hours. But as long as you feel better I guess that’s what matters.

Because validating my feelings would kill you, instead just defend to the death every action you take and every word you utter.

Because that’s not what you meant, and you didn’t mean to. How often can you feel “remorse” for doing something before you realize there is no remorse because you wouldn’t continue to do it, over and over again.

Example “So say you believe that I need to exercise and the proper way to motivate me is to poke fun at a largely sensitive subject like my weight, instead giving me reasons way I should exercise, list the benefits anything positive to get me to exercise, instead you take the cheap way, and use something hurtful.”

You can’t control the ones you love by bullying and tearing them down so they do what you want them to.

And don’t sit there with your thumb up your ass crying out how you can say a hundred nice things and I’d only remember the one fucked u thing. (Id like to point out here way does there have to be a fucked up thing) But I do remember the nice things that you say, but it’s hard to share those complements to you, when before I can get anything out were fighting over something else stupid.

Like I really liked how you said you were proud of me for skating to the bread store. I myself don’t feel like I’ve make any progress, and still feel very poorly about my inability to do normal things, that everyone can do.

But no matter how rude, crude, and fucked up you are, it’s always in good fun, and you would never purposely hurt me feelings, and even if my feelings magically get hurt in the process, is must just be me just being a hormonal pussy.